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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 18, 2014 3:39pm-4:12pm PST

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okay. i didn't suspend me from my show. (laughter) whenever i reported on it, i just added the word, coverage. to distinguish between when i was speaking as a candidate, speaking as a journalist and speaking as a corporate schill. i think are you setting a bad precedent here. because a lot of your contributorses have signaled that they might be running for president. if you suspend these guys next you're going to have to suspend mike huckabee, sarah palin, john bolton. luckily this does not affect glenn beck because base on his show he's looking past 2012 and running for archduke of the post apocalyptic afterstate. (cheers and applause) he's got a real shot at it. nation, my eyes cream, park mericone dream is near and dear to my heart. in fact my cardiologist says i have a fair amount of
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caramel longed in my left ventricle. but there is no excuse out there for you not trying it since it recently joined cherry garcia and chocolate chip cooky dough -- cookie dough as the only three flavors available in quart, pint, quarts and minishot, suck it chunky monkey. by the way, i don't believe in ice cream evolution. there is no way you evolved into chubby hubby. of course, folks, when are you on top like i am, you are a target. for instance, last night i was relaxing like i always do by watching some late my jimmy fallon. which was much harder to do before he got a tv show. (laughter) as i sat there, watching jimmy, i saw this. >> jimmy, will you do the honors?
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>> stephen: what? jimmy fallon has his own ice cream flavor? but i thought i was special. i guess with ben & jerry it's just scoop center thank you, sir. well, now i'm depressed. (laughter) oh my god, what the hell is this? jimmy fallon's late night snack, what's in this? salty caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusterses? are those ingredients or did the pringles man take a dump in an ice cream machine. (applause) i am telling you, fallon, there's room for only one ice cream in late night. so cancel your flavor, or i
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will turn late night snack into late night slop which i believe is chelsea handler's favor. i mean it! >> not so fast. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> let the pint go, stephen. or i'll give your eyes cream a neopolitan necktie. >> stephen: okay, okay, stay cool, jimmy. i'm sorry i insulted you. your eyes cream is actually pretty good for 12:30. (laughter)
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>> stephen: it's just not ready for the 11:30 time slot yet. >> thanks, steve. and your ice cream is okay too, as a pal at cleanser for-- .o. >> stephen: your eyes cream is like a jimmy fallon snl scratch, halfway through you break down laughing and you can't finish it. (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> your eyes cream is like your cameo in bewitched, i don't have an insult. i just wanted to remind people that you were in bewitched. >> stephen: you son of a bitch. >> i am. >> stephen: come on. >> bring it. >> stephen: you think you can take me, old man. >> i'm like ten years younger than you. >> stephen: shut up. i'm calling in backup. >> me too. >> legions assess-- assemble.
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>> stephen: jon stewart! (cheers and applause) >> jay leno! (laughter) jay leno! >> hello? hey, jay, how's it going? yeah, yeah, i understand. it is a long way. no, i understand, it was short notice. okay-- bye. jay's not going to make it. >> stephen: let's get him any way way. >> jon: are we fighting fallon? z yeah.
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>> stephen: . >> jon: because i thought we were fighting diabetes. i thought that is why you called me. i thought you were fighting diabetes. >> stephen: you fight diabetes with a bat. >> stephen: i'm not a doctor. (laughter) just going to poke some diabetics, that's all. >> stephen: you know what, i don't even know what i am doing in a-- fight between you ice cream barrons. both with your own delicious flavors named after your own-- you know what? i'm just going home-- no, i'm just going to go home and eat my own flavored ice cream, the daley sherbert with jon. >> stephen: with the. >> the daley sherbert. >> stephen: with who? >> with jon stewberry. (laughter) by the way, they both sound delicious. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: well, sounds like a good flavor. >> i guess the only way to settle this is within with an ice cream eating contest. >> yes. whichever ice cream tastes better, it can be eaten faster. >> stephen: just like the best wines are the ones you can chug. okay, ready? >> go! >> you are going down. >> no way, dude. stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: we'll be r ♪ ♪ my baby drove up in a brand new cadillac. ♪ ♪ my baby drove up in a brand new cadillac. ♪
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♪ did you know you can use an ipalmost any apple device?om really? yeah. give me a call on that macbook. alright, call you now. [ringing] [french accent] hello, pierre's bistro. uhh, i'd like to make a reservation. [french accent] there's nothing available! goodbye. c'mon dude. don't hang up on me. try again. call me from the ipad. [ringing] [french accent] huhh huhh huhh. you call me back on ipad you think i give you a reservation! you will never get a reservation! table for four. [french accent] never! ♪
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stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> aaagh. brain freeze! >> ha, brain freeze-- aaagh, aagh. oh, my head! >> what's happening? what's 457ing. >> oh my head. what's happening, oh my god. where are we? >> we're in ben & jerry's world. >> no, i hate vermont.
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hey there, mooo-chacos. you are in an you will altered state of butter pec consciousness to be better friends instead of acting like a couple of moose-holes. >> that makes no sense. >> like [bleep] but with mooo. >> fwho, we get that, it's just kind of clumsy. >> it's not very good. >> hello, i'm an ice cream cone. >> are you here to tell us to be nice to each other too? >> no, i'm here to kill you. >> aaah!. >> run, run away. run, faster, faster running. run away. look, i'm flying. i'm flying away. >> oh my god. somebody help us. >> he's still there. >> somebody help us.
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>> ben & jerry. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you for killing the ice cream cone. >> no, he's just sleeping. >> but there's no much blood. >> that's strawberry sauce. >> besides, this is all just a hallucination, remember that when the cops come. stephen and jimmy, you two ice creams don't need to compete. you've got to end your banana split by walking down the rocky road to friendship. >> you know, stephen, baskin & robyn is right. >> ben & jerry. >> what ever. >> i just wish there was some way to show our friendship for each other and end this hallucination. >> why don't you play some mooo-sic. (cheers and applause) >> thank you.
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>> but ♪ with chocolate chunk ♪ ♪ and in the big swirl ♪ to the tub of harmony ♪ with the understanding ♪ and some mint together next ♪ ♪ we'll be serene with vanilla bean ♪ ♪ and potato chip i guess ♪ or waffle cone, that's nice ♪ ♪ and when we go together ♪ it's a taste to be proud of ♪ ♪ when i pop a scoop of friendship ♪ ♪ on your sugar cone of love ♪ ♪. >> we'll be drenched in best friend syrup ♪ ♪ with cream all over your face ♪ ♪ we'll lick each other's bowls all clean ♪ ♪ and sticky warm embrace ♪
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(laughter) >> are we still talking about ice cream? >> just go with it ♪ ♪ and when we get together ♪ it's a taste to be proud of ♪ ♪ when i pop a scoop of friendship ♪ ♪ on your sugar cone of love. ♪ we'll pop a scoop of friendship ♪ ♪ on your sugar cone ♪ of love ♪. >> (cheers and applause) >> i love you. >> you seem nice. (laughter) bffs, best friends forever? >> forever. yes. >> i'm not comfortable with that. >> six months? >> best friends for six months.
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>> yeah! cheers-- (cheers and applause) >> ben, jerry, jimmy fallon, jon stewart, we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ we'll pop a scoop of friendship ♪ ♪ on a sugar cone ♪ of love ♪ it wthe right girl...nding ...but the perfect ring? there's no pressure there. finding the ring is the first step. that's why i partnered with the diamond experts at zales... create...
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let's break out the glow sticks it's time to get this party started. sfx: the tag starts making techno beats with his mouth. wha, ow! mj in the housey-house! thanks man. sure. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a scientist and a national geographic photographer who is here to talk ben dangered bees, i'll tell him i don't believe in the collective bargaining rights of worker drones, please welcome mark move et. -- moffett. cheers plaution hey, mark, good to see you again. >> pleasure. >> welcome back. now you are a long time friend of the show. >> yes. >> absolutely, thank you for meeting me here in a beautiful field of flowers.
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>> it's beautiful out here. >> and thank you for joining me at being the size of a bug. >> i try to shrink things down for people, make it simple. >> you study bugs for a living, correct. >> yes. >> you study ants. >> , i study ants, yes. >> now you're here with a new story about pollinaters. what is a pollinater and why should i care about pollinating things. >> well, pollinating is something that plants need. you see plants just can't -- >> i'm not a plant though. >> plants can't just walk up to another plant and have sex. it's not easy for plants so they often have to have an animal intermediary carry the polin to the next plant and do the deed. >> so if a plant has to involve another creature between itself and the other plant. so all plant sex is at least a freaky three-way. >> yes, well a lot of it is.
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and you know, much of what you eat requires these animals, these pollinaters. we wouldn't have apples and oranges. we wouldn't have some of my favorite foods like chocolate and coffee unless animals were working really hard on our behalf. >> would we still have french fries. >> we could probably have a few spuds but the really healthy foods, the good stuff requires pollinaters. >> fruit rollups. >> i don't know what your diet is. but-- yeah. >> french fries and fruit rollups. >> a couple years ago i heard a lot about these bees disappearing. are bees, honeybees and bees just disappearing, there was huge colony die off. >> the bee colonies are down by about a third. and basically the workers just abandon ship and leave the queen and she dies. >> do we know why that is. >> we're not quite sure. we know we are stressing
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honeybees a lot because the average field of like alfalfa has a billion flowers and these bees have to spend like 60,000 hours a day total time for one life getting the work done of pollinating and making our food. >> how do you tell the bees to do the work. >> you don't have to. >> they just do it. >> they are the hardest working domestic animals. dogs and horses don't do nothing compared to honeybees. and they're just the tip of the pollination identity berg because there are all kinds of species out there that create our foods. and they're essential. >> i'm eating food created by animals. is that hygienic. >> your suit there,. >> cotton. >> it is cotton that, made by bees, bees were involved in every fiber pollinating those cotton plants. >> einstein i think famously said that if bees disappeared, humanity would be dead in four years because we wouldn't have anything to eat. >> the mass agriculture that we need we absolutely
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require bees. we require a lot of these species. many of the tropical fruits require bats and other kinds. >> it is big animals. >> that is the fun thing about this story. i work with a group called the pollinater partnership to come back with all kinds of great new things that people probably haven't seen before like lemmers in madagascar that pollinate plants. there are all kinds of gecoes and even a slug can pollinate a plant so many of these species out there are working all the time for us and to keep the environment safe and keep it active and growing and -- >> you have this thing called pollinater .org, what is that. >> that's, scientists working on pollination throughout north america work with pollinater partnerships and that's their web sitement you can go there and find out what is happening in terms of the disappearance or loss of bees and figure out what you should be actually planting in your backyard to support
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pollinaters and keep them healthy. we don't want to poison them by putting the wrong pesticides in the wrong placeses so there are simple things you can do, you can find there. and the article is an attempt to summarize a lot of this. and also to surprise people with some stories. >> you say that pollen when it came along for the first time was like mcdonald's for insects. >> it is mcdonald's for insects. >> yeah. >> how come i don't see 800 pound butterflies? >> well, they burn it off. >> they do. >> monarch butterflies. >> i can't seem to burnoff my mcdonald's. >> if you flew south for the winter to mexico and back, like monarch does you would burnoff your mcdonald's french fries. >> i don't go to mexico, it's too dangerous. >> mark fo-- moffett, thank you so much. >> the new national geographic on pollinaters is available now, scientist mark fo-- moffett, we'll be
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what's in your hamburger? i've read that there's horsemeat in your food. what is really in your beef? is the beef 100%? your all beef patties, are they all beef? what is actually in the hamburgers?
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>> stephen: i got to say, it's pretty good. congratulations, jim. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. you, you! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, folks. it so good to have you with me. i just wish the opposite was true. and let me explain what i mean here. i almost didn't come to work today, folks. i am just-- yeah, mi just so depressed that we still have a government. (laughter) >> stephen: we were so close to shutting it down. and the democrats would have taken the blame. because i agree with indiana
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congressman mike pence that nobody could have said that the shutdown was just republican brinksmanship. >> we're trying to have a victory for the republican people, for the republican people, trying to score a victory for the american people, not for the republican party. >> stephen: what an blooe blooep-- blooep wlooep, i mean republicans-- i mean americans. and folks, with no government we could finally have shaken off the yolk of useless regulatory agencies like the epa. and i was even ready to toast the lack of industrial oversight with this champagne flute of lead paint. (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. i'm getting hints of latex with a semi gloss finish. i even got up early on saturday morning to listen for the closings. jim


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